Book XVI · Ῥαψωδία π

So picture the two of them, Odysseus and the swineherd (a whole legend, that man), parked back in the hut,

out here getting breakfast sorted soon as the light cracked, fire already snapping away,

and they'd long since shipped the herdsmen off with the pigs all rounded up and herded out.

And the dogs, the ones that bark at literally any little thing, they were just melting all over Telemachus, full puppy meltdown,

not a single bark out of the lot of them as he rolled up: and Odysseus, that goat, clocked it instantly,

So no time wasted, he hit Eumaeus with these quick little winged words:

"Eumaeus, no cap, some mate of yours is about to come pulling up here any second,

or somebody else you know, because the dogs are not kicking off at all,

they're just fawning and grovelling all over him: and I'm catching footsteps too, on god."

was just standing there, posted up in the doorway. The swineherd shot bolt upright, fully shook,

and the pots just slipped clean out his hands, the ones he'd been busy fussing with,

mixing the bright wine in. He went straight at his young master, no hesitation,

and he was kissing his head and both his gorgeous eyes,

The way a dad pulls his boy into his arms with his whole entire soul,

the kid finally back from some far-off land in the tenth year of being gone,

his one and only son, his late-born pride and joy, the one he's ached over for daysss,

that's exactly the energy the loyal swineherd had wrapping up godlike Telemachus

and all choked up he hit him with these heartfelt words straight from the chest:

"You're back, Telemachus, sweetest light of mine: ngl I'd fully talked myself

into never laying eyes on you again, the second you sailed off to Pylos.

But come on in now, dear child, just let me feast

Because you don't pull up to the farm or check on the herdsmen much these days,

you've gone full town boy on me: that's just been the whole vibe with you lately,

keeping tabs on that crowd of suitors, those walking disasters of men."

And switched-on Telemachus came back at him with this:

to clock you with my own two eyes and catch the latest tea,

whether my mum's still holding it down at the palace, or whether some other

guy's already gone and married her, and Odysseus's bed

is just sitting there empty, draped in grim cobwebs, fully abandoned."

"Oh she's still right there, trust, holding the line with this battered, patient heart of hers,

parked in your halls: and her miserable nights

and days just keep wasting away on her while she pours the tears out nonstop."

That said, he relieved him of the bronze spear, took it clean off him,

As he came up, his father Odysseus moved to give up his seat for him,

but Telemachus waved him right off from across the way and spoke:

"Stay sat, stranger: we'll sort a seat somewhere else for ourselves

here at our own place: and there's a man right here who'll set one up no problem."

piled up a load of fresh green brushwood underneath with a fleece thrown over the top,

and that's the spot where the beloved son of Odysseus parked himself.

And the swineherd slid platters of meat in front of the two of them,

all roasted up, the leftovers they'd had going the day before,

and mixed the honey-sweet wine up in a wooden bowl:

then he plonked himself down right facing godlike Odysseus.

So they all sent it on the spread laid out ready in front of them.

But once they'd absolutely demolished the food and drink and the craving backed off,

"Old man, where's this guest of ours rolled in from? How'd the sailors

bring him over to Ithaca? Who'd they swear up and down they were?

Because there's just no way I reckon he made it all the way here on foot."

And you came back at him then, Eumaeus the swineherd:

He swears he's Cretan by birth, off that wide island,

and that he's been spun and dragged through loads of mortal cities,

just drifting endlessly: because that's the thread some god spun out for him.

And now he's slipped clean off a ship full of Thesprotian men

Do whatever you want with him: he's begging you for shelter as a suppliant."

And switched-on Telemachus came back at him with this:

"Eumaeus, ngl that's a properly gutting thing you've just dropped on me.

Because how am I even meant to take this guest in under my own roof?

to fight off a grown man, if somebody decides to come at me first:

and my mum's heart is torn clean in two inside her chest,

torn between staying here with me and keeping the house running,

respecting her husband's bed and what the people are all saying,

the man courting her in the halls who pulls up with the most gifts.

But this guest, since he's already pulled up at your place,

I'll kit him out with a cloak and tunic, properly nice clothes,

and I'll slide him a double-edged sword and sandals for his feet,

But if you'd rather, you keep him and look after him out here at the farm:

and I'll send the clothes over and all the food too, every bit,

so he can eat, so he's not draining you and your crew dry.

But I'm not having him head over there to mix with the suitors,

I don't want them clowning on him: that'd cut me deep, no joke at all.

And it's properly hard to get a single thing done up against a crowd,

even for one man, even a strong one, since they've got way more numbers."

Then Odysseus, that goat who's been through it, came back at him:

ngl it's eating my heart alive sitting here listening to this,

the kind of reckless damage you're saying these suitors are cooking up

in the halls, doing it to a solid guy like you, fully against your will.

Tell me straight: are you rolling over and letting them bully you, or do the people

Or have you got beef with your own brothers, the ones a man

counts on when it comes to a fight, even when a massive feud kicks right off?

On god, I wish I were as young as I am fired up right this second,

either the son of flawless Odysseus, or honestly the man himself,

Then some random stranger could lop my head clean off on the spot

if I didn't pull up and turn into a walking nightmare for every last one of them,

striding right into the halls of Odysseus, son of Laertes.

And even if their sheer numbers buried me, one man against the lot,

than keep watching this disgrace play out day after day after day,

guests getting shoved around and the serving women

dragged about like nothing through the gorgeous house,

and the wine getting drained dry, and them gobbling the food down

And switched-on Telemachus came right back at him with this:

"Alright then, stranger, I'll lay it all out for you super straight.

It's not that the whole population hates me and gives me grief,

and I've got no beef with any brothers, the kind a man

Because Zeus made our whole family line single-file, you see:

Arceisius only ever fathered the one son, and that was Laertes,

and Laertes only ever fathered the one, Odysseus: and Odysseus,

he only fathered me, left me in the halls, and got zero joy out of it.

Because every single big shot who runs these islands,

Dulichium and Same and forest-covered Zakynthos,

plus everyone lording it over rugged Ithaca,

all of them are out here courting my mum and bleeding the house dry.

and she can't shut it all down either: meanwhile they're eating away

my whole entire estate: and pretty soon they'll grind me down too.

But honestly, all this is sitting on the knees of the gods, the lot of it.

Old man, you head off quick and tell switched-on Penelope

I'll stay parked here myself, and you double straight back

once you've dropped the message, just to her: don't let any other

Achaean catch even a whiff of it, because loads of them are plotting bad things for me."

And you came back at him then, Eumaeus the swineherd:

But come on, tell me this and lay it out for me straight:

should I take the same road and bring the news to Laertes too,

that poor man, who up till now, even gutted over Odysseus,

used to keep an eye on the work and eat and drink

but now, ever since you went and sailed off to Pylos,

they say he won't touch food or drink the same way anymore,

won't even glance at the work, just sits there moaning and grieving,

wasting clean away, the skin literally shrinking down round his bones."

"That's rough, but we'll leave him be for now, gutted as we are about it.

Because if mortals could just grab whatever they wanted off the shelf,

the very first thing we'd grab is my dad's homecoming day.

So you just drop the message and head back, and don't go wandering off

the maid who runs everything, out to him fast as humanly possible,

on the quiet: she's the one who can carry the word to the old man."

That said, he got the swineherd moving: and the man grabbed his sandals,

strapped them under his feet, and set off for town. And Athena,

no, she came pulling up close: looking the absolute spit of a woman,

beautiful, tall, properly skilled at making gorgeous things.

She posted up by the doorway of the hut, showing herself only to Odysseus:

and Telemachus didn't clock her facing him, didn't notice her at all,

but Odysseus saw her and so did the dogs, and they didn't bark,

just whimpered and slunk off cowering to the far side of the farm.

She gave a little nod with her eyebrows: and Odysseus, that goat, picked up on it straight away,

and he stepped out of the room and past the big courtyard wall,

"Zeus-born son of Laertes, Odysseus, always cooking up something,

it's go time now, drop the word to your son and don't keep it hidden,

so the two of you can rig up death and doom for the suitors

and head off to the famous town: and trust me, I won't be

She said it, and tapped him with her golden wand, just like that.

First she settled a freshly washed cloak and a tunic

round his chest, and built his frame and his youth right back up.

His tan came flooding straight back, his cheeks filled out again,

That done, off she went again: and Odysseus,

he walked on into the hut. His beloved son was absolutely floored at the sight of him,

and properly rattled, he flicked his eyes off to the side, scared it was a god,

and he found his voice and hit him with these winged words:

you've got other clothes on and your skin's not even the same.

For real, you're some god, one of those who hold the wide sky:

so be kind to us, let us offer you the sacrifices that please you

and gifts of crafted gold: and please go easy on us."

"I'm no god: why are you stacking me up against the immortals?

Nah, I'm your father, the one you've been grieving over,

catching so much pain, eating abuse off these men."

That said, he kissed his son, and down his cheeks

And Telemachus, since he still couldn't bring himself to believe this was his father,

came back at him once more with these words:

"You're not Odysseus, not my father: nah, some god's

charming me, just to make me grieve and ache even harder than before.

by his own mind alone, not unless a god turned up in person

and easily, just by willing it, made him young or old.

Because just now you were old and dressed in rags:

but now you look like the gods themselves who hold the wide sky."

"Telemachus, it's not the move, with your own father right here inside,

to be this gobsmacked over it or this freaked out:

because no other Odysseus is ever gonna come rolling up here,

nah, I'm the one, just like this, after catching hell and wandering for daysss,

And this whole thing is the work of Athena, the spoil-bringer,

the one who made me look however she fancies, because she can,

sometimes like a beggar, and other times turning it round

into a young man with gorgeous clothes draped over his body.

to glow a mortal up or to wreck him completely."

That said, he sat back down, and Telemachus,

he flung his arms round his noble father, sobbing, the tears just streaming down.

And in both of them the longing to wail came welling up:

sea-eagles or vultures with their hooked talons, the ones whose chicks

the farmers ripped clean away before they could even take to the air:

that's how pitifully these two let the tears spill from under their brows.

And the sun would've gone right down on them still weeping,

"What kind of ship did the sailors bring you here on, dear dad,

all the way to Ithaca? Who'd they swear up and down they were?

Because there's just no way I reckon you made it here on foot."

Then Odysseus, that goat who's been through it, came back at him:

The Phaeacians brought me, those famous sailors, the ones who ferry

any other people too, whoever pulls up to them:

they carried me asleep over the sea in their fast ship

and set me down in Ithaca, and loaded me up with gorgeous gifts,

And all of that's stashed in a cave right now, by the will of the gods:

and now I've pulled up here following Athena's tip-offs,

so the two of us can plot out the slaughter of our enemies together.

But come on, count off the suitors for me and run me the list,

and then, turning it over in my flawless heart,

I'll work out whether the two of us can take them on,

just us alone with nobody else, or whether we go hunting for backup."

And switched-on Telemachus came back at him with this:

that your hands were a fighter's and your judgement razor-sharp:

but this is way too much you're saying: it's leaving me stunned: there's no way

two men could take on a whole crowd of strong ones like that.

Because the suitors aren't exactly ten, or even just twice that,

Out of Dulichium there's fifty-two

hand-picked young men, plus six servants tagging along behind:

out of Same there are twenty-four blokes,

out of Zakynthos there are twenty young Achaeans,

and rolling with them they've got Medon the herald and a divine bard

and two attendants, the type who know all about carving up a feast.

If we run smack into all of them in there together,

I'm scared you'll roll in and pay a brutal, bitter price for their violence.

have a proper think on who'd defend us with a willing heart."

Then Odysseus, that goat who's been through it, came back at him:

"Right, I'll tell you, and you lock in and take this on board,

and think hard about whether Athena plus Father Zeus

And switched-on Telemachus came back at him with this:

"Those two you're talking about, they're top-tier defenders, real ones,

even if they're sat way up there in the clouds: they run things

over the rest of mankind and over the deathless gods too."

"Trust me, those two won't be hanging back from the brutal clash

for long, the moment that warlike fury of Ares gets decided

between the suitors and us inside my halls.

But for now you head home the second dawn shows her face,

and later on the swineherd will bring me into town

looking like a wretched beggar, like some old man.

And if they treat me like dirt in the house, your dear heart

has got to hold dead steady in your chest while I take the abuse,

or chuck things at me: you just watch and ride it out.

Sure, you can tell them to quit the foolishness,

talking them down with gentle words: but they're not gonna

listen to you, not a chance, because their day of reckoning is parked right beside them.

the moment Athena, full of clever plans, slots it into my head,

I'll give you a nod, and then you, picking up on it,

all the weapons of war that are lying around the halls,

carry them up and stash them away in a corner of the high room,

talk them down with soft words:

'I shifted them out of the smoke, since they didn't look anymore

the way Odysseus left them when he sailed off to Troy,

they'd got all wrecked, however far the breath of the fire kept reaching.

in case you all get tipsy, start a row among yourselves,

wound each other and disgrace the feast

and the courtship: because iron has a way of pulling a man right in.'

But leave just for the two of us two swords and two spears

so we can charge and seize the moment: and as for them,

Pallas Athena and Zeus the planner will put them under a spell.

And one more thing I'll tell you, drop it deep into your mind:

if you're genuinely mine and our own blood for real,

not Laertes, not the swineherd,

not any of the household, not even Penelope herself,

just you and me, so we can quietly sound out where the women stand.

And we could test out some of the male servants too while we're at it,

and which one couldn't care less and disrespects you, solid as you are."

Then his golden boy answered him and spoke up:

"Oh dad, I reckon you'll get to know my heart soon enough,

trust me: it's not like I'm running around empty-headed:

for the two of us: I'm telling you, think it over again.

Because you'll waste daysss going round testing each one,

walking the fields: meanwhile they're back in the halls, parked and chilled,

gobbling your stuff up greedily, no holding back whatsoever.

which ones disrespect you and which ones are blameless:

the men out at the farms, though, I wouldn't want

us going round testing them, save all that for later,

if you really do know some sign from aegis-bearing Zeus."

meanwhile the well-built ship had pulled in to Ithaca,

the one carrying Telemachus and his whole crew home from Pylos.

And once they got inside the deep harbour,

they dragged the black ship up onto the shore,

and straight away ran the gorgeous gifts over to Clytius's place.

Then they sent a herald off to the house of Odysseus,

to drop the message to careful Penelope,

that Telemachus was out at the farm, but had told the ship

wouldn't spiral with fear in her heart and start shedding soft little tears.

And the herald and the swineherd, that legend, ran smack into each other,

both on the exact same errand, off to bring the lady the news.

But when the two of them reached the house of the godlike king,

"Listen up, queen, your beloved son has made it home."

But the swineherd stepped up close to Penelope and gave her

every single thing her dear son had told him to pass on.

And once he'd delivered the whole brief, start to finish,

But the suitors were gutted and downcast in their hearts,

and they filed out of the hall past the big courtyard wall,

and parked themselves down right there in front of the gates.

And Eurymachus, son of Polybus, kicked off the talking among them:

this voyage, brazen as anything: we were dead sure it'd never happen.

But come on, let's launch the best black ship we've got,

and round up some seafaring rowers, so they can quick

get word out to those boys to hurry on home."

from where he sat, clocked the ship inside the deep harbour,

the crew furling the sails, oars still gripped in their hands.

And he laughed sweet and easy and spoke up to his crew:

"No need to send any message: these lads are already inside.

the ship slipping right past, and just couldn't run it down."

That's what he said, and they got up and went down to the seashore,

and quick as anything they dragged the black ship up onto the dry land,

and the high-spirited attendants hauled all the gear off for them.

anybody else sit in with them, neither the young nor the old.

And Antinous, son of Eupeithes, spoke up among them:

"Oh for goodness' sake, the way the gods have got this man clean off the hook.

Day after day our lookouts sat posted up on the windy headlands,

we never once crashed on land, no, out on the sea

in the fast ship we kept sailing, waiting on divine Dawn,

lying in ambush for Telemachus, to grab and finish

the man himself: but meanwhile some god slipped him home behind our backs.

for Telemachus, and don't let him slip past us: because I reckon

this whole business isn't getting done while he's still drawing breath.

The guy's switched-on himself, sharp in his planning and his judgement,

and the people aren't fully backing us anymore, that's the truth.

into assembly, because I don't reckon he's gonna let this slide,

no, he'll be raging, he'll stand up and tell the whole lot of them

how we stitched together a sheer-death plot for him and whiffed it:

and they won't be clapping for us when they hear our nasty deeds:

of our own land, and we wind up stuck in somebody else's country.

So let's beat him to it, grab him out at the farm away from town

or out on the road: and let's keep his livelihood and his possessions for ourselves,

splitting it up fairly among us, and the house itself,

But if this plan doesn't sit right with you, and you'd rather

he stays alive and keeps hold of all his father's stuff,

then let's quit gathering round here and gobbling up his goods,

the heart-pleasing kind, and instead each man from his own hall

can marry whoever brings the most and comes as the fated one."

That's what he said, and they all dropped into dead silence.

Then Amphinomus stood up and addressed the lot of them,

the golden son of Nisus, son of lord Aretias,

and most of all he was the one whose words pleased Penelope,

because the man was blessed with a genuinely decent head:

so meaning well by them he stood up and spoke:

"Mates, me personally, I would not want to kill

no, first let's ask the gods what they reckon, get their counsel.

If the rulings of great Zeus give the nod,

then I'll do the killing myself and order everyone else in too:

but if the gods wave us off it, I'm telling you to stand right down."

And straight away they got up and headed for the house of Odysseus,

and once inside they sat themselves down on the polished thrones.

But careful Penelope had a whole different idea brewing,

to show herself to the suitors with their out-of-pocket arrogance.

since the herald Medon, who'd picked up on their schemes, told her.

So she set off for the hall with her serving women.

And when this woman, divine among women, reached the suitors,

she posted up by the doorpost of the solidly built roof,

and she went straight off at Antinous, naming and shaming him on the spot:

"Antinous, you bully, you cooker-up of nasty schemes: and yet they actually say

across the land of Ithaca that you're the best of your generation

at planning and at speaking: turns out you were never that man at all.

for Telemachus, showing zero respect for the suppliants, the ones Zeus

keeps watch over himself? It's not holy, stitching up evil for one another.

Or don't you even know the day your own father came here on the run,

terrified of the people? Because they were properly raging at him,

and brought grief down on the Thesprotians: and they were our allies, mind.

They wanted to finish him and tear the life clean out of his chest

and gobble up his rich livelihood, all that plenty of his:

but Odysseus held them off and shut it down, however badly they wanted it.

plot to murder his son, and grieve me something terrible:

so I'm telling you to quit it, and to make the others quit it too."

Then Eurymachus, son of Polybus, came back at her:

"Daughter of Icarius, careful Penelope,

That man does not exist and never will and never could be born,

the one who'd lay so much as a hand on Telemachus, your son,

while I'm alive and looking out over the face of the earth.

Because I'll tell you straight, and trust me it'll come true:

mine, because Odysseus the city-sacker himself, on god,

sat me on his knees loads of times and put roasted meat

right into my hands and held out red wine for me.

So Telemachus is by far the dearest of all men

not from the suitors at least: though what comes from the gods, there's no dodging that."

That's what he said, talking her down, while he himself was rigging the lad's destruction.

So she went on up into her shining upper rooms

and cried then for Odysseus, her dear husband, until

And come evening the loyal swineherd, that legend, came back

to Odysseus and his son: they were busy fixing up dinner,

having sacrificed a year-old pig. But Athena,

stepping up close to Odysseus, son of Laertes,

and threw the wretched clothes back round his body, so the swineherd

wouldn't recognise him face to face and go off

to tell switched-on Penelope, unable to keep it bottled up inside.

And Telemachus was first to speak up to him:

Are the proud suitors already back inside,

home from their ambush, or are they still lying in wait for me out there?"

And you came back at him then, Eumaeus the swineherd:

"It wasn't my business to go asking and digging into all that,

drop the message and double straight back here again.

But a fast messenger from your crew fell in with me on the way,

a herald, the one who got the news to your mum first.

There's one more thing I do know, because I clocked it with my own eyes:

I was walking when I spotted a fast ship coming down

into our harbour: and there were loads of men aboard her,

loaded right down with shields and double-edged spears:

and I reckoned it was them, but honestly I don't know for sure."

flicking his eyes across at his father, but dodging the swineherd's gaze.

And once they'd knocked off the work and got the meal fully ready,

they tucked right in, and nobody's heart went short of an equal share of the feast.

But once they'd absolutely demolished the food and drink and the craving backed off,