Book XVIII · Ῥαψωδία σ

So then this public beggar pulled up, the dude who'd been grinding the whole town,

out here panhandling end to end across Ithaca, lowkey famous for that bottomless pit of a gut,

inhaling food and drink nonstop, never once hitting full: but the man had zero strength,

no fight in him whatsoever, even though he looked absolutely massive just standing there.

Arnaeus was the government name, the one his queen of a mum slapped on him

because he was the runner, off sliding into people's DMs in person whenever somebody said go.

So this clown rolls up and starts trying to evict Odysseus out of his own house,

laying into him, hitting him with these winged words straight off the dome:

"Move it, old man, off the porch, before I literally drag you out by the foot, no warning.

telling me to drag you out of here? Still, even I've got a little too much shame for that.

But up you get, before this turns into a hands situation between us real quick."

Then big-brain Odysseus shot him a look that could curdle milk and came back with this:

"My guy, I'm not doing a single thing to you, not in word, not in deed,

This threshold's got room for the two of us, no reason for you to be

out here grudging stuff that isn't even yours: you read to me like a drifter,

same as me, and it's the gods who hand out the bag anyway, that's above us both.

So don't go calling me out to a fistfight, don't make me lock in,

with your own blood: and tomorrow would honestly be a way calmer day for me,

because once I've cooked you proper, no way I see you ever

showing your face round here a second time, in the hall of Laertes's son Odysseus."

Then Irus the drifter got all heated and fired back at him:

yapping like some old woman parked at the oven: but I could cook up real damage,

swinging with both fists, and knock every single tooth

clean out of his jaws onto the floor, like a pig caught wrecking the crops.

Belt up now, so all these guys can clock it with their own two eyes,

So that's the two of them, posted up right out front of the towering doors,

on the polished threshold, beefing with their whole entire chests.

And the sacred force of Antinous clocked the pair of them squaring up,

and busting out a delighted little cackle, he put it to the suitors:

the kind of entertainment some god straight up wheeled in here for us:

the stranger and Irus are squaring up against each other,

ready to throw hands: come on, let's hurry up and match these two."

That's what he said, and every one of them sprang up wheezing with laughter,

Then Antinous, son of Eupeithes, took the floor among them:

"Hear me out, you proud suitors, I've got a little something to drop.

There's these goat stomachs sitting in the fire, the ones we set aside

for dinner, packed thick with all that fat and blood, properly stuffed.

let him stand up and grab whichever one of them he wants for himself:

and from here on he always eats with us, plates for life, and we're not letting

a single other beggar slide in to mix with us and beg for scraps."

That's what Antinous said, and the whole idea was an instant vibe to them.

"Boys, there's just no way an old man worn down by suffering

can scrap a younger one: but my dumb greedy gut,

that little menace, is shoving me into it, even if I catch a beating.

Alright, every single one of you swear me a solid oath, no funny business:

ganging up dirty to let him body me by force."

That's what he said, and all of them swore it, exactly like he asked.

But once they'd sworn it and sealed the oath proper, all locked in,

the sacred force of Telemachus then took the floor among them:

to fight this guy off, then don't be shook by any other Achaean,

because whoever swings at you is picking a fight with a whole crowd, on me.

I'm the host here, and the two kings co-sign me on this,

Eurymachus and Antinous, both big-brain guys, locked in."

belted up his rags around his privates, and out came those thighs,

big and gorgeous, and his broad shoulders came into frame,

his chest and his beefy arms on full display, the whole frame fully maxxed under those rags: and right there Athena

pulled up close beside him and bulked out the limbs of the shepherd of the people.

and one of them would say, side-eyeing the guy next to him under his breath:

"Irus is about to get absolutely mogged real fast, brought this whole l on himself,

the kind of thigh that old man's flexing out from under his rags, sheesh."

That's what they said, and Irus's spirit was rattled all the way to bits.

shaking, the flesh just trembling all over his limbs, no composure left.

Then Antinous called him out, getting on his case by name, dragging him:

"You'd honestly be better off never existing, you big oaf, never even born,

if you're shaking like a leaf and scared half to death

But I'm telling you straight, and trust me this is genuinely gonna happen:

if this guy beats you and proves himself the stronger of the two,

I'll pack you onto a black ship and ship you off to the mainland,

to King Echetus, the one who mangles every mortal alive, no exceptions,

and rip out your privates and toss them to the dogs to eat raw, on god."

That's what he said, and the trembling shook his limbs even harder.

They hauled him to the middle: the two of them both put their fists up.

Right then Odysseus, that goat who's been through it, was weighing the move,

or to tap him lighter and just lay him out flat on the ground.

And turning it over, this read as the smarter play to him:

to tap him light, so the Achaeans wouldn't get the slightest bit suspicious.

So they both squared up: Irus swung at the right shoulder,

clean inward: at once the dark blood came welling up into his mouth,

and he dropped in the dust with a groan, just got mogged in front of everyone, gnashing his teeth

and kicking the ground with his heels: but the proud suitors,

throwing their hands up, were absolutely deceased laughing. Then Odysseus

and the gates of the colonnade: and he propped him up against

the courtyard wall, sat him down, and stuck a staff into his hand,

and finding his voice he hit him with these winged words:

"Park yourself right there now and keep the pigs and the dogs off,

you sad case, or you'll catch something way nastier than this round two."

He said it, and slung over his shoulders that grim battered bag,

all full of holes, with a twisted strap doing the job of a cord.

Then he posted back up at the threshold and sat down: and the others filed in,

"May Zeus hook you up, stranger, and the rest of the deathless gods,

with whatever you want most, whatever's dearest to your heart,

since you put a full stop on that bottomless freeloader's wandering

all over the town: because soon we'll be shipping him off to the mainland,

That's what they said, and Odysseus, that legend, was buzzing at the omen.

Then Antinous set a big stomach down beside him, fresh off the fire,

packed thick with fat and blood: and Amphinomus

lifted two loaves out of the basket and laid them beside him too,

"Cheers, old father stranger: may good fortune find you

later on at the very least: because right now you're caught up in a whole lot of trouble."

Then big-brain Odysseus answered him back with this:

"Amphinomus, you honestly read as a properly switched-on guy to me,

of Nisus the Dulichian, that he was both noble and absolutely loaded:

they say you're his son, and you do carry yourself like a decent man.

So I'm gonna tell you something, take it in and really hear me out:

of everything that breathes and crawls along the earth,

Because a man swears blind he'll never catch harm down the line,

as long as the gods keep handing him strength and his knees keep moving:

but the second the blessed gods bring the rough stuff round to his door too,

he carries even that, hating every bit of it, with a heart that just endures.

is whatever the father of gods and men sends our way each new day.

Because I too was once meant to be a man living large, on top,

and I pulled loads of reckless moves, fully giving in to my own might,

leaning on my father and on my brothers like nothing could touch me.

they should just quietly take whatever gifts the gods hand them, no flexing.

The way I'm watching these suitors out here scheming reckless stuff,

chewing through the man's wealth and disrespecting the wife

of a guy who, trust me, is not gonna be away from his people

guide you home and out of his lane, so you never run into him

the exact moment he gets back to his beloved homeland:

because there's no way I see the suitors and that man parting ways

without blood on the floor, the second he steps under his own roof."

and handed the cup back into the hands of the marshal of the people.

But that one drifted off through the house with his heart all heavy,

shaking his head: because his spirit was already bracing for the worst.

But even so he didn't dodge his doom: Athena had him pinned too,

So he sat himself back down on the throne he'd got up from.

Then the goddess, Athena eyes glinting and locked in, dropped it into the head

of the daughter of Icarius, switched-on Penelope,

to show herself to the suitors, so she'd crack wide open

in the eyes of her husband and her son than she'd been before.

She laughed an empty, hollow little laugh and spoke up, saying:

"Eurynome, my heart's craving something it has genuinely never craved before,

to show myself to the suitors, much as I cannot stand the lot of them:

to stop hanging round those over-the-top arrogant suitors,

who talk all sweet to your face but are plotting nasty stuff behind it."

Then Eurynome the housekeeper answered her back with this:

"Yeah, my child, every single bit of that you've said exactly right.

but wash your face first and put a glow on your cheeks,

and don't go down there looking like this, with the tears all smeared

across your face, since grieving nonstop with no end is the worse move.

Because your boy's already hit the age now, the one you most

Then switched-on Penelope answered her back with this:

"Eurynome, don't push me on this, much as you've got love for me,

to wash my face and rub it down with oil and the whole routine:

because the gods who run Olympus straight up cancelled

But tell Autonoe and Hippodameia to pull up,

so they can stand beside me there in the halls, flanking me:

no way am I going down to the men solo: I'd be way too embarrassed."

That's what she said, and the old woman went off through the hall

Then Athena, eyes glinting, cooked up a whole other idea on the spot:

she poured sweet sleep down over the daughter of Icarius,

and she dozed right off, leaning back, and all her joints went loose

right there on the couch: and meanwhile that goddess of goddesses

First off she buffed up her gorgeous face with that same divine beauty,

with ambrosia, the very kind that lovely-crowned Cytherea

rubs on when she heads out to the Graces' alluring dance:

and she made her taller to look at and fuller in the figure too,

Once she'd done all this, that goddess of goddesses dipped:

and the white-armed handmaids came spilling out of the hall,

moving toward her with the chatter going: and the sweet sleep let her go,

and she wiped her cheeks with her hands and spoke up:

If only pure Artemis would hand me a death that soft

right now, this very instant, so I'd quit wasting my whole life away

grieving deep in my heart, aching for my beloved husband

and all his greatness, since he was the standout, the best of the Achaeans."

not solo: two handmaids walking down right alongside her.

And when she, that goddess among women, reached the suitors,

she stopped by the post of the solidly built roof,

holding her shiny veil up in front of her cheeks, half hidden:

Right there their knees went weak, their spirits charmed dumb with longing,

and every one of them prayed to lie down beside her in bed.

But she turned and spoke to Telemachus, her dear son:

"Telemachus, your wits aren't steady anymore, and neither's your judgement.

but now, even though you're grown and you've hit the full measure of youth,

and any outsider clocking your size and your good looks

would call you the son of a man living large, easy,

your wits aren't sound anymore, and neither's your judgement, what happened?

the way you let the stranger get treated this badly under your roof.

What now, if a guest sitting in our house like this

had to suffer through some grim manhandling, what then?

The shame and the disgrace would land square on you in front of everybody."

"Mum, I'm not gonna hold it against you for being upset, that's fair:

but I do clock everything in my heart and know each thing,

the good moves and the worse ones: before now I was still a kid.

But I'm just not able to think through every single smart move,

one that side, scheming bad stuff, and I've got nobody in my corner.

But the brawl between the stranger and Irus didn't land

the way the suitors wanted it to: the stranger mogged him on raw strength, no contest.

Oh I wish, by father Zeus and Athena and Apollo,

were nodding their heads beaten flat, some out in the yard,

some inside the house, and the limbs of every one of them gone loose,

exactly like Irus over there at the courtyard gates

sits nodding his head, looking like a wasted drunk,

home, wherever home even is for him, since his dear limbs are gone loose."

So the two of them were trading words like this back and forth:

meanwhile Eurymachus rolled up on Penelope with these words:

"Daughter of Icarius, switched-on Penelope,

even more suitors would be feasting in your halls

from dawn on, since you're the standout among women,

no contest, in looks and in stature and in the balanced wits inside you."

Then switched-on Penelope answered him back with this:

my looks and my figure, the day the Argives sailed up

to Ilion, and my husband Odysseus went off among them.

If that man came back and looked after my life here again,

my fame would be bigger and lovelier that way, for real.

Because honestly, the day he was leaving, walking out on his homeland,

he took me by the right hand at the wrist and said this to me:

'Wife, I genuinely don't reckon all the well-greaved Achaeans

are gonna make it back safe and unharmed out of Troy:

javelin-throwers and bow-drawers,

and riders of fast-footed horses, the kind who settle

the big quarrel of war in a hurry, war that hits both sides equally.

So I don't know if some god brings me back, or if I get caught

keep my father and my mother in mind in the halls

like you do now, or even more, while I'm far away off the map:

but once you see our boy with a beard coming in on his face,

marry whoever you want, and leave behind your own house.'

There'll be a night when the wedding I dread comes round to face me,

me, the doomed one, the one Zeus stripped of all her good fortune.

But this is the bitter grief that reaches my heart and my whole spirit:

this was never the suitors' way of doing things back in the day,

and compete with each other over her, going head to head:

they themselves bring the cattle and the fat sheep,

a whole feast for the girl's people, and they hand over splendid gifts:

they don't go eating up someone else's livelihood for free, like this."

because she was extracting gifts out of them and charming their spirits

with honey-coated words, while her mind was set on something else entirely.

Then Antinous, son of Eupeithes, came back at her with this:

"Daughter of Icarius, switched-on Penelope,

take them, every one: because turning down a gift is just not a good look:

but we're not heading back to our work or anywhere else

until you marry whichever Achaean is the best of all of us."

That's what Antinous said, and the idea was an instant vibe to all of them.

For Antinous he hauled in a big gorgeous robe,

all patterned and intricate: and on it were twelve brooches, the full set,

golden ones, fitted with these well-bent clasps:

and for Eurymachus the herald instantly brought an intricate necklace,

two servants brought a pair of earrings for Eurydamas,

each with three drops, real stunners, the grace beaming off them strong:

and out of the house of lord Peisander, son of Polyctor,

a servant brought a neck-piece, an absolutely gorgeous treasure:

Then she headed back up to the upper rooms, that goddess among women,

and her handmaids carried the gorgeous gifts up right alongside her:

and the men turned themselves back to the dancing and the alluring singing,

having a proper good time, and they waited for evening to roll in.

straight away they stood three braziers up in the halls,

so there'd be light: and around them they piled dry wood,

seasoned ages back, bone-dry, fresh split with the bronze,

and they mixed torches in among it: and taking turns they kept the light going,

that man himself, the heaven-born, big-brain Odysseus, spoke up:

"Servant girls of Odysseus, the lord who's been ghosted away forever,

get yourselves off to the rooms where the honoured queen is posted:

sit beside her and twirl the wool, keep her entertained

but I'll keep the light going for all these men myself, I got it.

Even if they want to wait around all night for Dawn on her lovely throne,

they won't outlast me: I'm a guy who can put up with a whole lot."

That's what he said, and they laughed and side-eyed each other.

the girl Dolius fathered, but Penelope brought her up,

raised her like her own kid and gave her trinkets to play with:

but even so she carried zero grief for Penelope in her heart,

nah, she was sleeping with Eurymachus and loving him up on the low.

"Pathetic stranger, you're some guy whose brains got knocked clean out,

you don't even want to go crash in a smithy

or some shelter, no, you just stand here yapping for ages,

all bold among this crowd of grown men, and you've got zero fear

permanently stuck like this, that you spout this much hot air?

You delirious off the fact you beat Irus the drifter or what?

Watch out, before someone way better than Irus stands up against you,

the kind who'll batter your head all over with his beefy hands

Then big-brain Odysseus shot her a look that could curdle milk and came back:

"Real soon I'm telling Telemachus exactly what you're saying, you dog,

heading right over there, so he can hack you to pieces on the spot."

Saying this, with just his words he scattered the women in a panic.

in their fear: because they reckoned he was spitting straight truth.

But that man kept standing posted by the braziers blazing with light,

keeping a sharp eye on every single one of them: but his heart in his chest

was turning over other plans entirely, the kind that wouldn't go unfinished.

hold back from their soul-stinging abuse, so even more

the grief would sink deep into the heart of Laertes's son Odysseus.

Then Eurymachus, son of Polybus, kicked off the talking,

needling Odysseus, milking a cheap laugh out of his mates:

so I can say what the spirit in my chest is pushing me to spill.

It's not without a god's hand that this guy's pulled up to Odysseus's house:

honestly it looks to me like the glow off the torches is beaming

straight off his own head, since there's not a hair on it, not a single one, bald as it gets."

"Stranger, you down to work for hire, if I took you on,

out on the edge of my farm, the pay would be plenty for you,

gathering up stones for the walls and planting tall trees and all that?

Out there I'd give you steady food year-round, no shortage,

But since you've only ever picked up the bad habits, you won't want

to actually put in the work, no, you'd rather go cringing through the town

begging, so you can keep feeding that bottomless gut of yours."

Then big-brain Odysseus answered him back with this:

in springtime, when the days come on long and stretched out,

out in the grass, and I had a nicely-curved scythe in my grip,

and you had one just like it, so we could test ourselves on the job,

fasting clean through till dark, with grass right there to cut:

fiery and huge, both of them stuffed full of grass,

matched in age and pulling power, with strength that doesn't run dry,

and a four-acre field, with the clod giving way under the plough:

then you'd see me, whether I cut a clean unbroken furrow, no breaks.

this very day, and I had a shield and two spears

and an all-bronze helmet fitted snug around my temples,

then you'd see me mixing it up right among the frontline fighters,

and you wouldn't be standing there roasting me about my gut.

and I bet you reckon you're some big strong guy,

just because you hang around a handful of people, and not the good kind.

But if Odysseus came back and reached his own homeland,

those doors, wide as they are, would suddenly feel way too narrow

That's what he said, and Eurymachus got even more heated in his heart,

and shooting him a look that could curdle milk he hit him with these winged words:

"You wretch, real soon I'm gonna do you some damage, the way you're yapping

all bold among this crowd of grown men, and you've got zero fear

permanently stuck like this, that you spout this much hot air?

You delirious off the fact you beat Irus the drifter or what?"

Saying this he grabbed a stool and chucked it: but Odysseus

crouched down at the knees of Amphinomus the Dulichian,

the right one: the jug clanged as it crashed to the ground,

and the lad himself dropped flat on his back in the dust with a groan.

The suitors kicked up an uproar through the shadowy halls,

and one of them would say, side-eyeing the guy next to him:

before he ever pulled up here: then he wouldn't have stirred up all this racket.

Now we're squabbling over beggars, and there'll be zero joy

in the good feast anymore, since the worse stuff is winning out."

Then the sacred force of Telemachus spoke up among them:

the food and the drink: some god's clearly winding you up.

But now you've eaten well, head home and lie down,

whenever your spirit says so: I'm not chasing a single one of you out."

That's what he said, and all of them sank their teeth into their lips,

Then Amphinomus stood up and addressed the room,

the golden boy of Nisus, son of lord Aretias:

"Boys, nobody should get worked up and come back at fair words

with hostile comebacks, picking a fight over nothing:

of the servants in the house of godlike Odysseus, leave them be.

Come on then, let the wine-pourer start us off with the cups,

so we can pour one out and head home to lie down:

and let's leave the stranger right there in Odysseus's halls

That's what he said, and the idea he dropped sat well with everybody.

Then the hero Mulius mixed the wine for them in the bowl,

the Dulichian herald: he was Amphinomus's servant on the job:

and he doled it out to all of them in turn: and they, after pouring

But once they'd poured the libations and drunk as much as their spirit wanted,

off they went, each one to his own house, to crash for the night.